THE BEARDS (A PLAY)

Time-1970's
Characters
Barbara -the  friend of all beards
Annette- the party host
Mike- an escort, former hustler now an actor
Jim- a student ,understudy and an aspiring actor from U.K.

Place, A party in any urban setting in North America. here set in D.C.


A. -  I'm Annette. I call myself the friend of all beards, and the host of tonight's party. Drinks

on the house. Bottoms up till the top of the morning. Have one on me.

M.- Hi Annette. This is my friend Jim. He's black Irish from London. Oh my. Can you see

by the dawns light. Glad you could make it here Jim and didn't get lost or picked up on your way

over. How's it hanging?

J. -How you talk in front of these women.

M. They love us. These women with all their make-ups are all beards.

A. So what gives Mike away tonight.

M. -You all want a new beard, Annette. Here is Jim. Not bad. huh.

A.- You sure know to pick them. Who is he ? He looks like family, He's on television. I talk to

all my family on the TV.  That's my daily reality show. From noon to five. I once brought a

transvestite over from  channel 8. No one could here tell she was once a guy an hour before. Her

name was Helena in a hand basket. But she ripped us off. Even walked off with my best oriental

rug along with two of our regular customers,the former Rabbi Diamond and our best friend Don

Deacon who is also an actor with a fine company. But that's the way of the world, up or down,

straight or gay. Straights liked my husband but often bored me. Jim is the new born you brought

with you. He's cute. Here is a name tag, Jim. I'm Annette, the party host. Oh Jim where have you

been all of your life. Who really are you, sweet heart, hope you are going my way, dear, in from

the hail and the rain.

J. Yes I am Jim from an always from Great Britain where the queen rules and sorry to say my

country is not that great since we lost our head in the Empire but that is another story.

M. Britain , he tells me is becoming now multi cultural and imbued with the troubles over there

he came over here since he is a wanted man.

A. I can see why. He can be more than a hunk for our calendar men here.

M. Don't mind Jim. He just needs some s and m's and if he needs a bit of black tan and we

are grateful to supply, isn't that right folks and we take your orders on the spot.

J.-Mike invited me here. We are in the acting studio together. I'm his understudy on the daily

 soap opera "Modern Days".

A. That's where I see you; you're the sexy lawyer whose grandma gets kidnapped by the rock star.

M.- The skirts here prefer the company of guys like me for we are their amusement, their

Saturday night entertainment. Who is as clever actors as we are since early in life we have to

hide our identities and have to take on others. Like my favorite all night companion of many

years the stand up comedian Mr. Moody and his friend the T.V. screen writer of ghost stories,

Mr. Dogwood who are no longer with us. They had to hide who they really are.But we outsiders

are always looking in for though we outsiders are not on reality shows they are really the most

real having suffered an identity crisis all their lives and explain to us in music, song and poetry.

A. Like some Jewish or black people rise up because of persecution not just back in the day.

M.  Everyone has a secret from the world, especially thespians or lesbians.

A In my research on you, Mike,  we found out you once a choir boy, teen hustler, a dance

instructor ,and now an actor who now also plays a down and out street detective on the weekly

T.V. crime drama "Surfers Survive" set in Malibu. Channel 12. Thursday night. I watched the

show and got in touch with your agent Tim Goldberg now Tim Berg my, ex husband. It's a small

sex world. I know you dated Tim.

B- I'm Barbara, the boss for this party. I also watch you daily on your soap. It's part of my routine

after bagel and canasta. Oh Jim the other actor too is here. I can see all your talent running

through your knickers. You are fabulously handsome. So was my ex, Rod, and after a no fault in

Vegas left me a rich bitch. Then he ran off with Annette's ex husband. Sounds like a Soap too.

J- I'm Jim Quinn.

B-How fascinating! How you carry your lines! Right though your body.

Barbara runs her hands though his pants.

B. What sexy pants you have;they make me pant. You remind me of an actor and avatar who

was always going on about the plays of Christopher Marlowe. He knew every one of Marlowe's

lines, ''Who ever loved that loved not at first love."

M.- As my understudy Jim is learning my lines.

B- Dear Mike, you are my escort for the night and I am your angel.

J. (whispers to Jim) Barbara and Annette are they are our hosts or bosses?

M. They pay us for the night to entertain. Now Annette don't put us under a glass box and try to

classify us.We are not caterpillars or Nabokov's butterflies. You don't yet know us deeply or do

you think we are just shallow actors.

A. I find you men just fascinating. Forgive me if you think I can categorize any of you my guests

or put you in any camp or cast you to suit any playhouse which pays you for acting out in my

own house. We give out free tickets as publicity for our next showing and telling.

J. I'm at acting school co-starring in Mike's new flick "Blue Beards"  now in summer stock

playing young Ronald Firbank in a new play.

A. (holds a plate in her hand)  I'm Annette a  host, cook and the friend of all beards who are

cool, cruel or campy. We take our pick here. Mike have a knish. Potato or spinach.

M. I'll take one of each. But in my profession I have to watch my figure.

A. We all do around here.

Annette passes the plate. Here Jim take one. Barbara and I are barbiturates we  just ate.

Jim takes Mike to his side and whispers.

M. As my sidekick you can be a watchman tonight to let me know what is going on. It's not just

another city cocktail party with artsy queens who are well read and bred. It's also a time to come

out.

M.- Jimmy knows what we're about don't you. His Irish eyes are smiling.

J. - I'm getting my wings among these birds.

A.- I'm the city angel to young actors. Eat ,be merry and gay.

B- I'd like an hors d' 'oeuvre myself. Keeps me from being too conversational since there are so

many Mr.Rights here. I was the first notice Mr. Con, the artist and his policeman's ball guy, Joe,

under the table looking my missing third diamond ring, Con, the one's that's forty and still wears

Joe out and I'm never wrong about men though Cons been to so many party balls to be humiliated,

rejected and wronged before. I maintain the ones who appear so straight and narrow always

make a last wish to come out for a little joie de vivre. I can't blame them. Who can hide in the

closet all your life. The trouble with Con is he is always on the run or grabs the first hot buns

in sight and runs away making it a long night especially having a home body or cuddle puddle

buddy away from home to snuggle up to especially after he pulls a big job, if you know what I

mean or am I mean enough to say it.

A.- To entertain and be a party host is to humor and amuse. Without Jim and Mike there is are

no fun guys for a party. That's why we don't put on masks or hide ourselves in a masquerade.

 B.- Mike which service were you in. You are so muscular. Oh my!

Barbara feels his muscles.

 M. - I was in the Navy, just for brief maneuvers on the Potomac, I got picked up and was once

almost quartered on deck. You look surprised, Jim, unfortunately I jumped ship running away

with a cabin fevered boy.

B. I hope you both don't get cabin fever. Our mouths are a watering hole.Eat a piece of angel cake

Jim or have a cinnamon stick .A politician from Tokyo told ,me it's good for the Japanese diet.

M.- You are all so pater familias. I was once considering being a soldier but that was when  I was

eleven on dad's army base but daddy was too macho for me. Annette, may I have something to

munch on.

B.-How about another sugar daddy?

A.- Anyone in mind for your plate or palette, guys.. I'm on the starvation Tokyo diet lately

myself after the Mediterranean and South Beach one failed us , isn't that true Barbara?

   B.- It seems with Mike and Jim here on arrival everything is hot stuff here, Annette.

    M-. Any pot , java or speed?
   
    A.- Always pleased to lend a hand. Cool cats like yourself can lick the cream off your plate.

    Annette hands Mike something in a napkin.

    M. Thanks, I'm up for any thing that feel good. With a psyche degree from the Johns at

Hopkins I actually run a part time therapy escort business. I'm the private agent always on call. It

might save your life. We teach exercises, grooming and how to be hot to trot or to become a

gigolo. Here's an introductory free coupon .

     J.- Thanks, it's a little uncomfortable but look at those guys going for it under the table.

     B.- No, they just found out I lost my wedding ring and they want the reward. Hey guys

get out of there immediately.

      J.- I hope they won't get in trouble.

     A.- Everyone in here leaves their troubles out the door; so you can leave any cabin fever

or depression there too.

      J.- Is that right? I have been depressed  lately in America and have taken to uppers.

     M.-My suggestion ,Jim, is if you plan to be a street walking working boy have on

perfumed mace while walking at your own pace. It prevents being robbed ,manhandled ,and

or goosed on the streets after midnight by any gentleman , politician or cop.

      J. -Have you been a pro, yourself?
     
      M.- It was actually on Wall Street as an intern that I learned  that most of life is prostitution.

Growing up and down and over at the army base we found everything is a maneuver and combat

so we have to protect ourselves from even our friendly enemies. These days they come in all

sizes and shapes.You see on these rainy days everyone needs an escort and rubbers to get them

home safely.

     J.-Why is that, Mike?

     M- Maybe it's because we are all at war with ourselves. I hope your'e not getting cold feet. I

can quickly warm them up Jim. Here we make it safe for women but you know it's always wise to

carry a safe until when it's needed.

      J.- Trying to get a rise out of me, Mike?
   
      M. I don't have to. I can see it coming.

       A. -You can always take the floor or the bed.

       M. -I worked daily on the street and church hopped on Sunday. I liked to give pleasure to all

 the members of the body,very ecumenical. Always after the service to service."

      J.- You are funny but sacrilegious even in the sack.

       A. -Don't be such a wet blanket Jim, we have cold showers after our rise and shine.
     
       B.- You do everything just so.

       M. I like the way Jim plays with his cigarette holder and condom with such finesse.
     
       A.- I cater to my public in private. We do not worry about who is attached to who. We have a

very famous guest list but now a days with the internet and men in grey law suits whom we escort

are known as our dandy candies. We make our own business arrangements. Here is our party card.
     
       J.- This party is so real that you can always give us up to unreality or your own fantasy.

       A. -That might be part of our sex appeal.

       J. -But if everyone needs a beard but Annette are there others who want to cut your beards

off?

       M.-They can try to hide behind a mustache but wherever you are you can put on gay

radar whether in the lights of Broadway, with farm big boys or ranchers, rodeo riders who steer

us or political back bench guys or or those who dress up in a black Jesuit suit it's all to suit

yourself up front on in front of you if you can't see it from behind.

      J.- This place always seems to be in arrears. It's a little hairy this whole business here.

      M.- Or hair raising.

      J. These ladies seem hell bent in fixing guys up. Is it the result of the cultural or sexual

 revolution when no one would pay any lip service to them. This house with all its finery

 and winery seems of ill repute.

  M.- When my old man threw me out of the house said it was too much freedom that gave

  us the supreme court's civil right to Sodom, but he was a rock ribbed Republican and he

 made me leave my house for this one. These beards put me up for a year.

      J. -That was very accommodating. But Mike did you suffer from your dad's rejection?
 
      M. Mom has accepted me and at Christmas visited me here and Dad has recently relented and

came around but one of the beards here goosed him.

     J. I hope your dad ducked.

     M. Dad played football.These gals sure need some action if they wanted dad in a sack.

     J. And a little satisfaction.

    M. When dad first threw me with the keys that's when I myself had the idea of a runaway

dating service and became an escort too.

      J. -You seem to be a good sport at it,Mike. How do you live your days when you're not a

working boy.

      M-. On my days off I start my day early at the gym, and work out and these free days

seem to work out for me. Then I meet someone and go off somewhere and get off. Some guy

picks me up and the tab and takes me out to lunch, then I hang around the library or the park

like most people you meet in life you are killing time or trying to spare your own life from too

many complications so you make your money wishing for a large tip for knowing all men are

suckers in their own way so you mind your own business.Then I try the early bird specials and

make a date.

         J.- Do you have a choice in guys.

         M.- I've been with cubs, bears, twinks, fems and fats ,slaves wishing for plantation scenes,

with many powerful hands on master debates with P.H.D. 's with all orientations and players

from the Ivy Leagues, major, minor and bush leagues ,baseball, football ,soccer and hockey

dream teams by playing hard or softball just because we do them in the locker room isn't

because we just love them; I've been with the ins and the out, the closeted, the married, the

looking for action and reaction; I've been with them in the sock puppet theater, shock drama club,

schlock theater, the schlong and short of it, the counter culture theater,among the hung who have

been marginalized, the buttered up, the hungry eyed, the blue- nosed, the thirsty ,the lost and

found, cum si, cum sa.

       J.- What a way to live.

       M.- It might not be for long. This life has caught up with me. I may have to settle down

or settle for less.

       B.-You boys suddenly seem so serious.

       A-. They have a lot on their plate. Have an hors deuvre, these are tiny hot frankfurts on a

toothpick or stick.

       J. -What's with these skirts. No action, a bad marriage or divorce?

       M.- It's that we amuse them more than straight guys and these women live to be amused.

They want to be taken out and have a good time. Don't you want a good time, my understudy.

        J.- I just want to act. Do you have any more parts for me to play?
   
        M.- Your part in life is to act up.

        J. But what about a real life, Mike. Does it have to be based on scenes of fantasy.

        M. Have it with me. Let's give it a go.


Mike takes Jim's hand and they go off together.

The End